Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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