The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
