my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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