I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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