I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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