Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
