He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
