I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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