I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
