I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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