you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
