Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
