Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
