I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Come on in and take your pants off
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