I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
