you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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