i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
