i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
