Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
