I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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