Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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