she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
