dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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