If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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