Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
