I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
