There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
