I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
