You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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