how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I came so hard my ears popped.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
