Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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