Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
zippers are such a cool invention
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
