I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
