I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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