Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
