LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
