I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
