Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
