at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
