I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
