I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
