I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
