My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Did I show you my penis last night?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
