Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
