So drunk, too bad you don't want this
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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