Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You are the jesus of drinking
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
