She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
