Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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