He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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