Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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