Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
