don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
